Cookies, Kooks and Calamities

| October 20 2013
Burt Prelutsky

Even being incarcerated isn’t enough to make some hardened cases walk the straight and narrow.  O.J. Simpson, who, among his other sins helped make household names out of creeps like Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro, was recently busted by prison guards while trying to smuggle a dozen oatmeal cookies from the mess hall back to his cell.

In related news, Nabisco is negotiating with Simpson’s representatives to make him their corporate spokesman.  And, if he gets paroled, “Sesame Street” is considering making him their Cookie Monster.  After all, nobody answers the job description better.

The new Iranian president, Hassan Rhumani, gives new meaning to diplomacy every time he opens his pie hole.  Without even winking or giggling, he actually said, “Iran is a country that loves culture and peace.”  He also said, “We have never pursued a nuclear weapon.”

What gets me about mooks like Rhumani and Bashar al-Assad is that they spend half their time denying they have or are attempting to produce weapons of mass destruction and the other half offering to come to the negotiating table to discuss disposing of them.

One would wish that the United States was in a position to tell these people to stop lying, but when you have a president and secretary of state who can match them lie for lie and then some, the old adage about people living in glass houses invariably springs to mind.

Every time some nutcake runs amok and starts shooting up a mall, a school or a military installation, the usual gang of hypocrites can be counted on to start declaring war on the Second Amendment.  What they can’t be counted on to do is recognize the real problem with gun violence.  If they did, they would first have to recognize that the occasional crazies like Jared Loughner, Adam Lanza and Aaron Alexis, get the headlines, but they only account for a small fraction of the innocent victims.  But if you think for half a second, that the liberals will ever send the National Guard into the hood to separate the black and Latino gangbangers from their artillery, you’re clearly non compos mentis.

Furthermore, if you think the ACLU is going to idly stand by and let the folks who use the sidewalks as their bedrooms and toilets be institutionalized against what passes for their free will, you simply haven’t been paying attention for the past several decades.

Unfortunately, because politicians and celebrities spend their lives being protected by men with guns, they can afford to be oblivious to the dangers faced by the rest of us.  Still, every time you see Dianne Feinstein bloviating about how awful guns are, keep in mind that a while back, she was found to have a license to carry a concealed gun, and carry one she did.  She claimed she had been threatened by a group of terrorists and was therefore justified to be a pistol-packing mama.  After 9/11, Aurora, Newtown, Boston and the Navy Yard, not to mention all the teenage punks packing heaters, she has a fat lot of nerve pretending that we’re in any less danger than she ever was.  The only difference, as I see it, is that she has scores of armed guards protecting her work environment.

Because I receive so much email from readers, I am often in the right place to notice certain trends.  For instance, the most obvious mistakes I used to find in these communications were those who confused “to, too and two” and “their, there and they’re.”  Of late, hardly a day goes by when someone isn’t confusing “loose” with “lose.”

When these errors appear in messages taking me to task, I merely nod and think, “Well, of course.  No wonder they disagree with my analysis.”  But when I find them lurking in email intended to give me a well-deserved pat on the back, it merely makes me sigh.

I was recently sent some amendments to Murphy’s Law.  Among my favorites were: “Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”  “A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.”  “Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”  “Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.”  “A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.”  “It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.”

Finally, I’ve been seeing way too much of Henry Waxman on my TV recently as he’s split his time between railing against the Second Amendment and demeaning Republicans for trying to defund ObamaCare.  The thought that has occurred to me is that he looks like the love child that would have resulted from the mating of two baseball mascots, possibly San Diego’s Chicken and Milwaukee’s Sausage.

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